Post It Note

Dear manufacturers of Post It Notes,

When I have something important I need to keep putting off just a little longer, but in a way that constantly torments my unconscious, I reach for your product with the modified instincts of a modern human. Once I saw an office worker, having exhausted the real estate on the perimeter, place Post It Notes directly in the center of his monitor. This proved very inconvenient, as windows were in constant need of moving and resizing to accommodate these notes. But, alas, where urgent tasks are concerned, your product gave him what other scientists and philosophers have failed to deliver for millennia: a little extra time. I (heart) your product.

Book

Dear manufacturers of Books,

After another episode of aimless floundering, there is nothing like the hopeful thrill I get when I pick up a select one of your products, thinking I might at last find some lasting relief to my confusion and existential dread. Back in the gutter, I (heart) your product for once again providing the stage to this marvelous tragic comedy that I have come to love so much. Apart from that, I really must congratulate you on your excellent work in overwhelming me with knowledge and its counterfeits.

Fast Food Slogan

I would like to today express my admiration for those creators of slogans who have so profoundly contributed to our culture. Their creations are so compelling that even the enemies of capitalism cannot help but to use and abuse them for their own purposes. I would dare say that a good slogan writer could further the cause of anti-capitalist attitudes better than the heathens themselves. Advertisers, I (heart) your slogans.

I present for your admiration some of my favorite Fast Food Slogans:

I'm lovin' it

Think Outside the Bun

Do what tastes right

Where's the Beef?

I'm thinkin' Arby's

Have it your way

If you are what you eat, you are awesome.

Finger lickin' good

Throw boring overboard

Your going to get your wish. Go fish.

If it doesn't get all over the place, it doesn't belong in your face.

Who doesn't love a little something extra?

Cheese

Dear manufacturers of Cheese,

I don't know why, but the poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of your product. This is especially odd because they always want to write about things that cannot be put into words. Perhaps it is because, like me, they (heart) your product to such an unfathomable extent that at last they must shut their mouths and let your product speak for itself. Which it does, in the most remarkable lyricism of the tangy and sublime.

Garbage Bag

Dear manufacturers of Garbage Bags,

When I have various items which I no longer want or need, I need a handy place to store them until I can convince someone to take them, or until someone forces me to pay them to take my items. Your product gives me a handy solution to this irksome kind of storage and so I (heart) your product. Often I wonder what I would do if I purchased a box of your product and then decided I didn't need or want it anymore. But then I remember that I have your product to handily store the remaining box of your product, and I feel relieved.

Che Guevara T-Shirt

Dear manufacturers of Che Guevara T-Shirts,

I (heart) your product. I don't know if Che would agree, but I myself feel one of the greatest attributes of freedom is its ability to tolerate and, indeed, support startling paradoxes. Nothing could be a greater symbol of freedom than your product, and I would be proud to wear a T-shirt with the image of your product on it.

Easter Grass

Dear manufacturers of Easter Grass,

I'm not sure what Jesus and all them had in mind with all that stuff - you never can tell what these artists are up to - but nothing says Easter to me like a mysterious over-sized rabbit that lays artificially colored candy eggs for children. And your product brings this miracle of Easter front and center. But what I adore and respect most about your product is that - I hope you will forgive me - it is one of those products that I don't have to buy if I don't want it. Let me rejoice, I (heart) your product.